Who the fuck do you think you are?
From the second we were expelled from our mother's husk, our indoctrination commenced. Our unsullied, highly plastic brains were taking in every little facial expression from our caregivers, planting deep-rooted seeds that would shape our emotions and perceptions of the world—later dictating how we would form attachments in our adult relationships (read here). Just escaping the womb with good health and strong genetics is a cosmic lottery win. And if we had somewhat attentive, loving parents, maybe a sibling or two, we were off to a better start than most could hope for.
You had no control over who your parents were, your sex, or the color of your eyes, skin, or hair. No choice of what city, state, or country you were spawned in or the language you speak. Where you land on the multi-spectrum of sexuality and balance of feminine/masculine qualities is not up to you. Your proclivity toward cognitive or emotional intelligence–also not your choice. Your religion, or lack thereof, was passed on to you by your parents–and that belief is, by and large, the product of geography, not validity. (if you were born in America, odds are, you aren’t Hindu)
The environment in which you spent your formative years also helped craft the lens through which you observe the world. Were you rich, poor, or somewhere in the middle? Did you live in a good or bad neighborhood? Were you bullied, the bully, outgoing or shy? Did you have access to good schools, libraries, and other essential institutions, or were you in closer proximity to liquor stores and pawn shops? Were you fortunate enough to have relatively good health that required little to no maintenance? Were you skinny, fat, “ugly,” or “hot”? Just your physical appearance alone has an enormous effect on your human experience. “Beauty bias” and “halo effect” are some coined phrases. (An interesting read here.) All of these elements affect how others treat you, thus affecting your perception of the world.
Right from the get-go, there are multiple factors you have zero choice in that determine how your life will be. From there, you enter the school system, where you begin to socialize yourself and have your first taste of cultural influence. Learning what’s “cool” and what you should like and be interested in. You may have picked up a body image complex by comparing yourself to others. You’ve become aware of what the majority thinks is “beautiful” and “acceptable.” If your tastes or looks stray too far from the narrow parameters of normality, you learn quickly that conventional society will look down upon you. Showing too much emotion or imagination can get you exiled. Awkwardness can get you beat up. God forbid you ever challenge authority!
If the school system has worked as intended, you have been groomed for the workforce, which demands a nonconfrontational, compliant worker bee. Going against the grain in this atmosphere can result in firing. Thinking outside the box is more condemned than encouraged. Before, if you stood out in school because of a hairdo or outrageous clothing, you might have been picked on. In the working world, challenging standards might mean you don’t eat. Standing up for your ideals, ethics, and unorthodox ideas can be seen as insubordinate. (I find words like insubordinate and blasphemy both disconcerting and humorous. They criminalize curiosity and differences of opinion. They were undoubtedly made up by the people and institutions we should question most!) As your civil domestication progresses, the societal choke chain around your neck gets tighter and tighter until the last spark of individuality has ceased to be.
Directly and indirectly, we are told how to act, how to dress, what to like, and what to do our whole lives. In adulthood, it is up to us to deprogram ourselves and rediscover who we are. So, who are you really? After you strip away all the layers of cultural influence, peer pressure, parental/societal expectations, and all the other shit that has bombarded your subconscience since birth, who are you? It’s not an easy question to answer. The deeper I explore determinism and Buddhism/ Taoism, the more I believe there isn’t a self at all. But that’s a whole other existential onion to peel.
Following your natural inclinations is crucial to authenticity. You must cleanse yourself of all the nonsense that doesn’t align with your core instincts—leaning into your weirdness, talents, kinks, and curiosities. Owning who you are as an individual takes a heap of courage and unrelenting honesty. You have to be comfortable with being disliked. As Gabor Mate put it, “You can have the pain of suppressing yourself for the sake of being accepted, or you can have the pain of being yourself and not being accepted. You’re gonna have pain either way. Which one would you like?”
We are not being honest when we hide ourselves or act in a way that we believe will make us more acceptable to others. I’ve definitely been guilty of that behavior. I’ve tried to act “cool” when introduced to a new group of people. It never lands the way you think it’s going to. People can smell bullshit a mile away. Trying to be something you’re not sucks for everybody involved. You wind up beating yourself up for being cringy, and the people you were trying to impress with the homogenized version of you most likely thought you were awkward. There is nothing to gain from it.
Authenticity is the light behind your eyes that will beckon those who will genuinely love you. By pretending to be something you’re not, you are robbing yourself and the rest of the world of your uniqueness that has never existed before and never will again. Think of what the world would be like if nobody challenged conventions, did what they were told, gave up, and submitted. All groundbreakers and innovators, from scientists and doctors to artists, philosophers, and inventors, broke the rules and followed their true calling, pushing the world forward. From Gallelo, Darwin, Beethoven, The Ramones, Martin Luther King Jr, Thich Nhat Hanh, Gandhi, Thomas Paine, Tim Burton… In extreme cases, some even died and suffered unspeakable torture for their unwillingness to surrender their integrity.
Not being true to yourself is one of the top five regrets of the dying. When your final breath comes, did you live the life you wanted or the one others expected you to live? Were you true to your heart and spirit? Did you follow your gut, your passions, your desires? It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. Don’t be afraid to fail or look like an idiot sometimes. It’s all part of the process to get you where you need to go. Learn and refine. Be brave, be honest, and, goddamn it, be your true self!
“The world will ask who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.”
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”
“Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road.”
— Voltaire
